Don't Read This (it hilair...but really don't read it)

The following is a true story. Its not exaggerated as my siblings will be wont to claim. No exaggeration could "improve" on this story. But I warn you now if you've a sensitive mind, ext ream love of dogs, or are one of those individuals who like to ignore the fact the excrement (henceforth refers to as poop) is a natural part of life...PLEASE STOP NOW!!!

Okay, for the rest of you still reading...here goes...

I pooped on a dog.

If this is too much for you honestly stop! It only goes downhill from here...

Having spent the previous evening at a fellow teacher's wedding (and subsequently consuming copious amounts of ariag "fermented mare's milk") its not surprising to say that my insides were a little wonky at school the following day. So it came as no surprise to me that in the middle of teaching my 4th and 5th graders "If Your Happy and You Know It" that my bowels began a horrid attempt at contortion ism. Telling the other teacher, "I'll be right back." I started to make my way outside, only to realize I had no toilet paper. With a pee this would be no problem, I've gotten medals for my drip jiggle technique...but for #2, especially the poop attack I could feel coming...no way! I knock on my School Director's door (its in the same building). But no one was home. Blast. Then from across the hall the door to the bank opens and an old man walks out. I dash into the tiny two room bank and approach the manager at her desk. "Hi, I'm sorry but do you have any toilet paper?" She looks confused and I try again. "Toilet paper, outhouse paper?" "What kind of paper?" Curses! Both the word for toilet and outhouse have the Mongolian "L" a letter I can't pronounce for the life of me no matter how frequently I practice. So I'm standing there panicked, trying to breath deeply and make no sudden, potentially fatal move. Finally, I ask, "Poop paper, do you have any poop paper?" "Oh yes here you go." ......... O_o ..... Grabbing the tp I dask back out of the bank. Had this happened in America I'd have died of mortification and never been able to show my face in the Post Bank again. But in Mongolia...hey, everyone poops, its all good.

So I start to head to my Uncle's house on the other side of the school yard. He has the nicest outhouse in town, and I just have to hop his fence to use it instead of:
A) walking the 10 minuets home
B) using the schoolyard's outhouses...which are terrifyingly full of extra holes, with doors that never stay closed, and boards that seem unable to support my weight.
However, the whole accquisistion of "poop paper" used up my fence hopping time. So with no choice I enter the school's outhouse.

STOP NOW THIS IS WHEN THE WORST OF IT GOES DOWN!!!!

Nature takes is course when suddenly I hear a noise from the putrid pit below. I look down and there is a huge dog down there who walks over and begins to lap up my digested and expelled mare's milk and steamed stomach dumplings. Now what does one do in a situation like this I ask you? I couldn't shoo it away...I had nothing to throw at it...and bowels in motion stay in motion...so I pooped on the dog. And did it move??? NO?!?!?!?!?!?! WTF MATE?!?!?

Shocked, disturbed, yet at the same time finding the situation highly hilarious while trying not to laugh, lose my balance, and join Fido in his poopy lair; I made use of my "poop paper," got up and left.

As I was washing my hands with the help of a student (as there is no running water) I lost it. "That did not just happen," I mutter and laugh, utterly unable to even begin an attempt to explain my laughter to the girl.

But it did happen...I kid you not...kinda wish I was, but its all true.

And that's how I came to poop on a dog.